New Slogans for Princeton Theological Seminary

Recently, Princeton Theological Seminary launched a new website design.  Given that the guts of the site still appear to be a jumbled morass, some have likened it to putting lipstick on a pig.  Nonetheless, it seems to me that the launching of a new website design would be a golden opportunity for the Seminary to launch a new slogan. Seeing as how I am such a helpful chap, I have thought up of a few and listed them below:

Princeton Theological Seminary:

… Proudly offering the least flexible meal plan – ever.

… Who needs administrative systems?

… Find a faculty member outside of class, win $100!

… All dorms have pre-war indoor plumbing!

…  Riding the coattails of the distinguished Princeton name.

…  Offering an X-Prize if you can map our wi-fi coverage!

…  Bringing people from every corner of the world together so that they can ignore each other like NYC subway passengers.

…  Nursing home for decrepit trees.

…  Worst seminary out there; except for all the others!

As always, I am open to suggestions.  Add your own in the comments section.  Show your PTS pride!

Hebrew and Health Care

President Obama’s health care proposals are a lot like my experience with learning the Hebrew of the Old Testament variety: there are a lot of options and no matter what I do none of those options seem to be precisely correct.  Tommy Toles sums up the issue well:

I think health care/insurance reform is necessary for the future of this ridiculous country.  I think that learning Hebrew is of marginal importance.  Nevertheless, at the end of the quiz/exam/homework I have to make a decision on my Hebrew translation and let the chips fall where they may (thanks pass/fail grading!).  President Obama needs to sit down and make a decision and then let it ride.  Hemming and hawing ain’t gonna get it done.  Never turning in the exam doesn’t get you a good grade.

Letterman and Game Shows

Tired of trying to think?  Watch some David Letterman game show parodies and a Top Ten List presented by Bob Barker!  (Yes, I know Dave was actually on Pyramid, but it wasn’t that funny).  These get better as you go…just like a real game show!  Make sure to treat yourself by watching them in “High Quality.”

Super Password

Supermarket Sweep

The Newlywed Game

Family Feud

The Price is Right

Top Ten List with Bob Barker

Normsy Tackles Gun Violence

When confronted with the social problems of the day, many people work their brains so hard that they totally fry their neocortex… and then they enter government.  Solutions do not need to be complex.

Today, I would like to offer a solution for our gun violence problem.  Cool down, my dear friends back in the sticks, I’m not talking about preventing anybody from buying a gun.  In fact, I would be willing to eliminate any restrictions on the number or type of firearm one can purchase if my plan is implemented.

Here’s the solution.  If you want to purchase a firearm, you must first be shot by the very gun you are purchasing.  Nothing too drastic, just a flesh wound or some such.

This bold and brilliant solution sprang from a chat I was having with my brother about security officers and pepper spray.  To be allowed to carry and use pepper spray as a security professional, one must go through training.  Part of this training is to actually be sprayed in the face and eyes with the pepper spray.  I figure, if it is good enough for pepper spray, it is good enough for guns.

How does this solve anything?  First, I would suspect that you would have greater empathy for the person you intend to shoot if you have felt the pain yourself (granted, most people seem to be shooting to kill, but any empathy is good).  Second, I think a lot of people would choose not to buy a gun if they had to be the on the receiving end of the barrel.  I knew a guy who had about 100 guns.  Do you think he would have acquired all of them if he had to be shot 100 times?  Third, this would help our friends in Mexico by helping to halt gun smuggling.  How many people would be willing to be shot several dozen times on each gun run?

Now, I can hear the folks crowing that this is only a deterrent to law-abiding gun purchasers.  I don’t necessarily agree.  I think the type of scumbag lowlife who would illegally deal guns would welcome the opportunity to shoot people.

But wait, what if the gun dealer shoots someone and the person dies?  Would the gun dealer be held responsible?  As long as the buyer held still, yes.  Unfair, you say?  Not at all.  Doctors are responsible for screwing up life and death situations and now gun dealers are, as well.  This will probably lead to voluntary certification programs, high insurance rates, and a reduction in the number of dealers.  All of these things will drive up the price of guns, which will also reduce the number of guns.

Under this plan, only the people that really want to be involved with guns (buying or selling) will get guns and thus I believe gun violence will drop.  Done and done.

My Campaign Platform

This post is to announce my intention to not formally run for any Princeton Theological Seminary Student Government Association elected position for 2009-2010.  If you would still like to vote for me, feel free to write me in for any position.  If elected, I would strongly consider the possibility of thinking about being seated for office.  In an effort to present clear choices to the electorate, here is my campaign platform:

1.  The implementation of a policy to strictly limit the use of the microphone in McKay during meal times.  This issue came to a head today, March 31, when there were four separate uses of the microphone in the span of 20 minutes.  Three of these uses were to announce the same event.  Folks, if we wanted to hear a bunch of yammering during meals, we would have classes during those times.

2.  An overture to the administration to self-limit the number of e-mails that are sent to all PTS accounts.  Our gracious administration should be informed that the number of ‘all accounts’ e-mails we receive is directly inverse to the number we are actually willing/able to read.

3.  The creation of a document and concurrent seminar around the theme, “Should I speak my question, quasi-question, statement, declaration perhaps only tangential to the topic at hand, story, tale of an occurrence that is unlikely to happen again in the course of human civilization, or lunatic ranting during class?”  The document would be prepared in consultation with the whole community, would have high production value, would contain hypothetical scenarios/case studies, and be positive and pastoral in nature.  The seminar would be conducted during orientation.  Both would ultimately point out that if one is in doubt one is encouraged to speak such things at any other time.

4.  The partial diversion of PTS meal plan profits (not Aramark funds) to make every Monday at lunch “Root Beer Float Monday.”  This would include high-quality root beer from a keg, premium ice cream, and large glass steins.

5.  The formation of a committee to advocate for more Jimi Hendrix-style guitar riffs during chapel services.

6.  An annual Main Campus Housing v. CRW/Witherspoon Pillow Fight and Capture the Flag Night.

7.  A 1000% increase in pay for all intramural basketball officials who are also students at the Seminary.

I see all these planks of my platform as extremely positive for the community with no intention to offend, only to lovingly assist.  I think they address most of the aspects of our campus life and will lead us into a better future for ourselves and those who come after us.  I hope you choose to join me in these efforts.

cheers

Twelve Songs

In an effort to put something new on this blog, I thought I would share 12 songs that I particularly enjoy at the moment and that I have in my possession.  I don’t consider these songs to necessarily be their best, simply ones I like listening to at the moment.  I have chosen to only use each performer/group once to ensure diversity.  They are in no particular order.

 

1.  Mr. Bad Example – Warren Zevon

Who wouldn’t love a song that is by Warren and has Spokane in the lyrics?

2.  Demolition – The Kinks

All the things I love about the Kinks with some groovy harmonization

3.  Comfortably Numb – Van Morrison & Roger Waters & The Band

I need to have at least one cover.  Who would ever think that Van Morrison would be singing a Pink Floyd song?  It is interesting.  And, yes, the two ampersands are what appear in the notes I have.

4.  Maggie’s Farm – Bob Dylan

I don’t seem to get tired of this song.  I ain’t gonna work for no one no more.

5.  West L.A. Fadeaway – Grateful Dead

If you can get the word “copacetic” into the lyrics, you get extra points.

6.  Down by the River – Neil Young

A colleague of mine on staff at the church I was at in California said she was getting flashbacks from this song.  We had to change the station.

7.  She Caught the Katy – Phish

Another cover.  But this is a cover of a cover of a song that begins my favorite movie, “The Blues Brothers,” so it catches my ear.

8.  Tight Rope – Leon Russell

Leon Russell kinda associates with Randy Newman in my mind for some reason.  Except that Leon Russell has talent and I enjoy listening to him.  Plus, this song makes reference to a giraffe.

9.  Medicated Goo – Traffic

I don’t have anything to say other than that this song is good times.

10.  Too Rolling Stoned (Long Version) – Robin Trower

The man can play.

11.  Peace Frog – The Doors

This was my theme song when I was on the Seminary softball team.  For the rest of the summer every time I heard or thought of “New Haven” this song played in my head.  Plus, my professor mentioned that he went to Yale, so every day in class I got a little Peace Frog.

12.  My Little Red Book – Love

Whenever I here this song (another cover, I believe), I get the beat stuck in my head and usually start making odd movements to the beat while driving.

 

I hope you check out some of these songs.  They may be old, but they are good.  cheers.

Even More Random Trash

1.  The English language can be used rather imprecisely at times.  I just got an e-mail in my spam folder titled “hot sex with viagra pills”.  There are at least two meanings.  Why anyone would want to have sexual relations with some pills is beyond me.

2.  I shall one day title my memoir “The Thin Line Between Genius and Idiot”.  I haven’t decided on a subtitle yet.

3.  I don’t care who you are, if you are posting ads in the “casual encounters” section of craigslist, you are messed up.  I’d advise you to check out your local craigslist for examples, but this pretends to be a blog appropriate for the whole family.

4.  How can one be idealistic without being ideological? Read the second paragraph of this link and please let me know.

5.  Three reflections: Horizon Air serves free microbrews and local wines and I would suggest taking advantage of that; the morbidly obese should be required to buy at least two seats; and the Newark Airport train system is not all that it is cracked up to be. 

6.  If a book isn’t actually required for a class then it shouldn’t say “required” on the little tag in the bookstore.  The only bright spot is that I didn’t buy them from our bookstore, I bought them used online.  Take that Cokesbury!

7.  It is fun to watch my fine friends from the South deal with the cold.

8.  If you feel like part of your job in life is to play amateur psychologist, I recommend you stop while you still have people in your life who willingly speak to you.

9.  It’s bad form to require your underlings to watch a video recording of a lecture by a prolific speaker and then have the speaker give you a shout out in the first five minutes.  It causes your underlings to think that you had ulterior motives for requiring this video when this speaker probably gives the same talk multiple times per week.

10.  allamericanspeakers.com can provide hours of entertainment.  I personally prefer to go to the cheaper speakers (who still charge $5,000 plus expenses) and wonder who would possibly pay to hear some of them.

cheers!

Merry Christmas

More Random Trash

1.  What does it say about my mental state that all I feel like doing is watching old Woody Allen movies and listening to Warren Zevon?

2.  There is more to crisis management than burying people with e-mails about the crisis.

3.  I can scarcely imagine what line workers in the auto industry are going through right now, but “God’s bailout” has nothing to do with their industry.

4.  Being the only person that visits someone in the hospital sucks for both of us.

5.  Number four makes theology papers seem totally irrelevant.

6.  Profound thought that escapes some people: I can’t call you if I don’t have your phone number.

7.  Finally, a wall calendar I can share with my Mormon friends!

8.  So today this retired guy in front of me in the checkout line at the grocery store had 17 cans of corn in the bottom of his cart.  I could tell that he was a seasoned purchaser of large quantities of canned goods.  He kept inquiring if the cashier wanted to count and she kept saying it was fine.  He was insistent.  His wife just wanted a bunch of plastic bags to put the corn in.  I could tell that they have had an exciting life together.

9.  I don’t watch NBC at 10:00pm now and it looks like I won’t be any time soon.  I’d rather listen to Hall and/or Oates five hours a week.

10.  My last week on the east coast for 2008…

11.  …and Christmas begins:

Top Ten Signs it is Going to be a Bad Thanksgiving

10.  The gravy is tainted with melamine 

9.  You invite a poor, homeless man to your house for dinner only to discover that it is Danny Bonaduce

8.  Your date gives himself cranberry sauce sideburns

7.  Sarah Palin stops by to declare your dining table a continent

6.  Due to bad economy, you must choose between having meat or keeping the family dog

5.  Granny has really bad gas

4.  During Macy’s Parade Santa gives you the finger

3.  Turkey stuffed with used Kleenex

2.  Football players decide to resolve their differences by putting on Victorian dresses, drinking tea, and gossiping about John Madden’s wardrobe

1.  Label claims that it is Pakistan’s finest wine